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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27815278">one year at a time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff'>Ive_never_read_fluff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Dissociation, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Kid Deceit | Janus Sanders, Mental Health Issues, Past, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:40:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27815278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus doesn't think he'll make it to 2021.</p>
<p>But, despite every sign saying otherwise, he tries to stay.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>one year at a time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TWS: USE OF THE WORD "MORONIC", IMPLIED PAST MISTREATMENT OF A CHILD (BY FATHER), DESCRIPTION OF DISSOCIATION/DEREALIZATION (NOT TOO GRAPHIC THO), MENTIONED CHILD WITH MENTAL ILLNESS, VENTING PORTRAYED AS A BAD/ANNOYING THING (AND TOXIC MINDSETS IN THE BEGINNING)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>i am going to make it through this year - if it kills me</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>It was a rough week for Janus.</p>
<p>Suicidal thoughts came back with a certain type of vengeance.</p>
<p>Though, looking back, they were pretty dull.</p>
<p>Like that type of barely there, distant suicidal thoughts, like they don't belong to him, like they weren't directed to him or like they didn't exist, like they existed just enough to be realized as a thought -- an entity, a thing-- but numb.</p>
<p>Janus doesn't have the right words to explain it.</p>
<p>In the most simplest of terms; dissociation.</p>
<p>It mildly felt like the apathy.</p>
<p>But not the giving in, in a numb type of dissociative daze, to the strong urge to end his life, despite the dulled emotions.</p>
<p>These past couple of days it's been like that.</p>
<p>Actually, looking at it now.. it probably is dissociation -- but a different branch of it, where it's induced purely by suicidal urges.</p>
<p>That's always rough.</p>
<p>He didn't used to have that problem.</p>
<p>Janus used to be super transparent about his feelings, almost to anyone who asked.</p>
<p>After multiple people calling him out, calling him overdramatic and annoying and that they have it so much worse but they aren't complaining so why does he, and then eventually leaving him.</p>
<p>So, over time, he's trained himself to be better.</p>
<p>"Better".</p>
<p>Meaning not opening up to people directly, or anything like that.</p>
<p>It was <em>very</em> hard to say the least.</p>
<p>He had to untrain himself from years of this.. habit.</p>
<p>And, yes, he slipped up quite a few times.</p>
<p>But now, he's pretty strong at not over-sharing/venting, but now.. now he's been told to talk to people if he feels bad like that?</p>
<p>That definitely threw him for a whole ass loop, and he doubts he's actually going to do it, but just at the offer he felt his control waver. </p>
<p>Janus can deal with it by himself perfectly fine.</p>
<p>Okay, well.. he can't, <em>but</em> he doesn't really care what he does to himself.</p>
<p>And if by "dealing with it" is suicide, well.. so be it.</p>
<p>Then again, that certain type of faded, disconnected dullness has been sticking around for a while. </p>
<p>He feels as if he's almost constantly in some stage or form of dissociation or derealization.</p>
<p>It's alright though, because his thoughts are so far away and numbed that they don't take much affect on him, and most times he doesn't even have to acknowledge them. </p>
<p>And even when they do get bad, it's still not <em>that</em> bad..</p>
<p>Or maybe that's a lie.</p>
<p>Janus, again, doesn't particularly care for any of that right now.</p>
<p>All he knows is that in this state, it's easier.</p>
<p>The urges are there, definitely, but they're something's dulled to the point where Janus can just sit through them without seriously considering relapse or another attempt.</p>
<p>And when they're not? </p>
<p>Well.. as bad as it may sound he usually lets what'll happen during those times happen.</p>
<p>It's usually nothing, just engulfing his mind with vivid suicidal thoughts and actions until he falls asleep.</p>
<p>Other times it ended in one or two suicide attempts.. but y'know.. only once or twice so he's probably okay with those odds.</p>
<p>It's really an endless back and forth of any and everything that goes on in Janus's mind, and he can't bother to recite them all, as it's tiring even in his head.</p>
<p>Like, take this, for example: one moment he'll say he wants to die and then the next he's crying at how he could think that because he does want to live but alternatively he just wants to be free and the only way to achieve that for himself is if he dies but if he stays it'll be better -at least, more bearable to deal with- but also if it's this bad right now how could he ever think of living beyond his early teen years-- and just like that, there's an endless loop of ping-ponging between the two.</p>
<p>Normally, he doesn't think about it, as he knows (<em>he's always known, since about fourth grade -- oh yeah, he's quite the early bloomer in depression and trauma</em>) that he'll die by suicide anyway.</p>
<p>But also, he can't help but want to stay.</p>
<p>For the hope of things getting easier to deal with.</p>
<p>For the hope of potential happiness and a chance at life.</p>
<p>But, realistically -- he won't even make it close to the age where he could legally leave his parents house (<em>and even then, he'd be homeless because as his father has said ever since his literal toodlerhood; he's so fucking moronic that he could be considered braindead, and he's such a downer that he might as well fucking die and that he'd just be a burden to society by living anyway</em>).</p>
<p>But despite everything in his very <em>rational</em> brain screaming at him otherwise, he can't help but be a little hopeful.</p>
<p>Because maybe he can be strong enough to come out of this household alive.</p>
<p>Because maybe he isn't all that stupid and can make a reasonable living (<em>even if he'll have to work nearly constantly and at multiple jobs and go hungry a few days and not spend anything on the stupid, pointless stuff he'd enjoy to do it</em>).</p>
<p>Because maybe he can find happiness somewhere.</p>
<p>Because maybe he can get out alive, and live.</p>
<p>Hope is stupid.</p>
<p>He knows that.</p>
<p>But.. what if?</p>
<p>What if it could happen?</p>
<p>And that's why he tries to stay.</p>
<p>That's why he even bothers to fight against everything else.</p>
<p>There's a list of reasons he wants to stay, but while faced with suicidal thoughts none of them seem all that important or worth it anymore. </p>
<p>But he'll keep in trying.</p>
<p>Even though he doubts he can even make it until 2021, even though he knows the chance of him turning 13 are so small because he never planned to live past 10 years old, even though everyday he's a little less sure he can hold on, even though everytime he so much as thinks of his parents too much he wants nothing more than to end it.. he'll keep on trying.</p>
<p>He wants to makes it to 2021, he wants to turn 13, he wants to be able to make it out of this house, he wants to be able to be himself, and maybe even be happy.</p>
<p>He wants.</p>
<p>And so, he'll fight the urges again.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>i am going to make it through this year</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>if it kills me</strong>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>me and all my homies hate janus's father 😌🖕</p></blockquote></div></div>
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